This Just in!

OSAMA BIN LADEN SIGHTED AT U. S FIGURE SKATING CHAMPIONSHIPS

Osama bin Laden, long thought to be hiding in Afghanistan, was sighted at the U.S Figure Skating championships recently, where he cheered for Michelle Kwan.

"I'm a big fan of Michelle," enthused bin Laden, one of the world's most dangerous terrorists and believed to be responsible for the bombings of two American embassy buildings in Africa. "She was in her best form ever tonight. I'm so lucky to have finally seen her live." Unfortunately he disappeared again before the FBI was able to apprehend him. Ms. Kwan was unavailable for comment.

WOMAN LIVES IN FEAR IN BOGOTA, COLOMBIA

Alison Beatty considers herself an adventurous woman. "I’ve traveled all over the world, spelunked in Jordan, hiked in the Grand Canyon, skiied in the Austrian Alps. I’ve never been afraid of anything." But now, in Bogota, Colombia, Alison Beatty lives a life of abject terror. The nightmare started several months ago when Ms. Beatty was caught off-guard at a Bogota International Women’s Club meeting and conscripted into running for Treasurer, a position to which she was elected by a landslide.

Ms. Beatty never intended to hold any position in the Women’s Club and is not even sure she actually agreed to run for office. "I do recall there was some pretty strong punch at that meeting, which I had several glasses of, and the next thing I knew, I was elected to the Board. Believe me, I don’t know anything about finances – I can’t even balance my checkbook!"

Ms. Beatty does not know how to escape from the unwelcome duties before her. She has instructed her maid to tell BIWC members, who call persistently, that "Madame is not at home at present," but she is considering changing the instructions to, "Madame is out of the country for a family emergency," or even, "I’m sorry, Madame has died and her body has been shipped to America." In fact, Ms. Beatty is home most of the time now. "I spend my time walking on my treadmill or hiding out in my sewing room," she admits. "I can’t even go out to the store any more. But it’s only a matter of time before they find me."

INQUIRY REVEALS NO ONE CALLED AMBULANCE FOR WHITE HOUSE TEAM HEAD

The continuing inquiry into an incident at the American Embassy in Cairo has revealed that no ambulance was called for White House Advance Team Head Ross Everhart, who collapsed after an altercation with on-the-ground Foreign Service personnel.

Everhart is recovering from both an attempted strangling by an unknown Foreign Service Officer or Officers and a cold-cocking by a volunteer Foreign Service spouse. He was attacked after a series of allegedly unpleasant encounters between him and embassy personnel in preparation for President Clinton's visit there next month.

Embassy spokesman Craig Reynolds acknowledged that no one called an ambulance after the incident. "I'm sorry to report that no one at the scene called an ambulance; that is correct. Maybe we all thought someone else had called one. Or something. Yeah, that's right."

To our readers: of course the above news items are fictional. We didn’t really have to tell you that, did we? Locations are chosen randomly – therefore, the embassy spokesman in Cairo and the women’s club members in Bogota can rest easy – we don’t know a thing about you. It is entirely possible, however, that Osama bin Laden really loves figure skating.

© 2000 by Francesca Huemer Kelly. All rights reserved.